Too Fat for Roller Derby

Too Fat for Roller Derby

This is my first “dream” post so let me start by saying that I have have weird dreams.  I’m sure most people do, but whatever. I’d like to think that I’m special.  I don’t really believe all the my-dreams-have-hidden-meanings-some-consciousness/God/spirit-is-trying-to-tell-me-something hocus pocus that is plethoric on the ‘web, BUT sometimes it’s kind of obvious that something has been on my mind or has been worrying me.  Sometimes it’s a wake-up(pun!) to an issue I need to stop obsessing about and let go, or it’s something in my life I want to, can, and should change.  Sometimes they are just freaky and weird and I apparently just like to have constant entertainment, even in my sleep.  Be warned.  This gets twisted…

First person:

Pneumatic Bank Tube

The tube looked kind of like a future pneumatic bank tube, but filled with science-y stuff.

I’m walking through a forest looking at a tube-shaped GPS device that I’m carrying.  There’s some sunlight coming through the trees and there’s some scrubby underbrush, but it’s not terribly hard to navigate.  I’m trying to get somewhere that I’ve marked on my GPS- I had been invited to go to this location and it seems a bit mysterious, like I wasn’t sure what I’d find there.

The device said that I had reached my destination but I was in the middle of the forest. There was nothing notable there.  Then magically (as it often happens in dreams) I saw a set of stairs descending into the earth.  I walked down the set of stone stairs into what seemed to be a backstage area.  There were women in states of getting dressed.  They had 80’s/punk rock/hair metal hair (and it was AWESOME!), leotards, leggings, stockings, terrycloth armbands, giant earrings, makeup, and were putting on roller-skates and were talking and yelling and apparently getting pumped for whatever they were about to go do. It was like walking into a dorm of Lisa Frank meets Hair Metal gals.

Lisa Frank notebook Ice cream

Lisa Frank

Motley Crue Hair Glam Metal Rock

Motley Crue

I was confused and didn’t understand what I’d walked into and my GPS wasn’t clear that I was where I was supposed to be; I felt like I was trespassing, so I went back up into the forest above which belied what was below it’s surface.



As I was searching the area around the top of the stairs for something other than the now obvious stairs that were obviously not what I was sent to find, some of the girls came up and asked what I was looking for. I showed them my GPS and explained what I could.  They ushered me toward the stairs saying that I should talk to The Boss, that she’d know what to do.

I was skeptical but went with them, if for nothing more than to see more of this interesting world.  My curiosity had been piqued.

I entered the office with them and they explained to The Boss what had brought me there.  She had a dubious smile as she said that I may be the person who was to have received this a long time ago-
She hands me an essay/application for a roller derby team I had written years ago (and had included a picture of me playing softball).  I recognized it and immediately remembered the excitement I had when I submitted my application years earlier. I had never received a response, though, and was crushed.  She said I should have gotten my invitation to join, but it had just taken longer to get to me;  I was finally ready to join.
I was thrilled but confused about how I had been led there that day and sad that I had not gotten the invite sooner.  She said I’d be great and started introducing me and explaining how things worked there.


moxi Roller skate derby zebra pink

Kind of like these Moxi skates(I love this brand, BTW)

As soon as I got settled in I started having doubts.  I realized that I was too old, fat, and ugly to be a roller derby girl.

That would have been perfect for me when I was younger, but now I was too tired and out of shape to be good at it or even try.  I was too embarrassed to go out in front of an audience and skate.  I would just look silly and I would be ashamed.  I thought I could graciously decline by telling The Boss that I didn’t even have skates anymore.  She said that everyone got new skates! She showed me mine and I LOVED them: rainbow-colored zebra stripes with two big glittery stars on them.  They may have had pink pom-poms like my skates did when I was a kid 😉

I wanted to skate so badly and wished I could be that girl again.  I went to my skate dorm and thought about it.  I went to talk to the Producer of the team ( I guess it was televised?!) but when I went into his office to discuss my participation with him, I noticed a (cute)straw handbag on the floor next to his chair.  He had a weird smile on his face….and then a pretty girl with silky black hair and really white gorgeous teeth came out from beneath his desk, smiled and winked at me, grabbed her bag, and walked past me to leave.  I stood in disbelief while the Producer just acted like that was normal and not at all creepy and shameful.  I turned and left to find The Boss to tell her that I would not be part of an organization that was run by someone like that, thinking that this would be the perfect excuse to get me off the hook for joining the roller derby team.

The Boss listened to my report of the encounter and replied that he’s just the NBC Producer, he’s not really affiliated with the team.

Hmph! I was indignant that that was apparently acceptable and I didn’t seem to have a graceful way to not embarrass myself further by actually trying to skate for the first time in over a decade.

And then a cow moo’d in our adjacent field and woke me up.  Saved By The MOO!

I woke up feeling really sad.  …and really wanting to skate… with those skates! Sometimes I impress myself with my own imagination 😉
And now I’ve shared with you my crazy mind.  The End.


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